It has taken me many years to get to this point. I am a mother again. After not seeing my sweet little boy for five years, I have him in my life again. The past was against us. The choices I made weren't good ones and because of that, my son went to live with his father. Now that I have him back in my life, I could not imagine things any other way. My greatest fear would be losing my son again. I am not strong enough to relive that pain.
I have many reasons for my current fear. Although I do the best I can as a mother, I often wonder if that is enough. My son's dad is a control freak in every sense of the word. He doesn't want to deal with my son so he sent him to live with me but that is as far as it goes. He won't sign over full custody because he wants to get the benefits from him. I do everything for my son yet when it comes down to it, he has legal rights. He feels like he has to have that power. He could jerk my son away from me at any moment. I think he likes having that control.
My sweet little boy has bipolar and ADHD. One minute, he is the most loving, adorable child that you will ever meet. The next minute, he is screaming and throwing punches. His mood swings aren't always controlled with medication and I fear the day that things get worse. I don't want my son to end up in the system. I don't want to see him in jail. Yet, sometimes, I worry about his attitude. I hope that he doesn't just listen to what I say. I hope he hears and understands me. I pray he makes the right choices.
I think I have mommy phobia. I am not scared of being a mommy, I am afraid that I won't be a good one. Yes, my son is ten but for five years, I wasn't around him at all. I am learning these things all over again. I am trying to be the best parent I possibly can but sometimes, I just don't know if I am on the right track. I do not want my son to resent me. I don't want him to blame me for the pain.
I am a proud mom. My son is an incredible child. I could not imagine life without him. I hope I never see the day that he doesn't want to be my little boy anymore. I hope he never gets too big to draw me pictures and sit on my lap. I hope my greatest fear never comes true. I pray I never lose my son again. There's no way I could make it through this time. I don't know how I made it without him last time.