Self Esteem in Women

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"Self Esteem in Women"
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How does a woman gain self-esteem?  A woman is confident when she is happy enough with herself as when she is with someone else.  Many times women look for someone to complete them, but in the process lose something of who they are by choosing a man who disrespects them.  To find a mate who is worth as much as she is, a woman should not give unless she knows the man deserves her affection.  She should choose rather than be chosen even if she feels like time is against her.  If she is on a quest to not be alone out of low self-worth, she may  end up being alone after a bad relationship.

While it is true that most people crave close relationships, one's self-esteem should not be based on whether or not he or she is in a relationship.  To do so will inevitably compromise one's integrity and cause future problems in a relationship.  Some of the things a woman should not do is give up some other aspect of her life for a man, allow a man to get off the hook more quickly for doing something wrong than other people in her life, pursue interests that she thinks will gain the approval of a man, delay questioning the behavior of a man that she would not tolerate in others, and agree with a man on some point that she secretly does not consider true.  Once a guy told me, "A real man is someone who is willing to give you his time."  That statement showed me that for most men their time is valued and that they will fit you into it if they consciously decide to do so for a valid reason.  Can most women truthfully say the same thing about how they handle their personal time?

Women consider the faults of men something that they can correct and sometimes these traits even make them feel pity.  These feelings can be mistaken for affection if a woman does not analyze her behavior.  Some men have pitiable traits and come to a woman in secret saying stuff like, "I am not good enough for you!"  While that may be true, these kinds of men will say that to any woman who will give them their sympathy.  This kind of man is coming to you because he wants you to lend him an ear and hear out his deficiencies.  But then, he also secretly wants you to voice your admiration for all his manly traits to compensate for his feelings of inadequacy.  He is basically using you as an ego-booster and does not care about you.  This kind of man is not relationship material in the long run.  He has nothing to offer and often fears real intimacy.  He may even secretly think less of you for not seeing through his ploy.

All men judge in all situations, but women too often suspend their judgments in the name of being kind.  A confident woman assesses, rather than hoping to be assessed favorably.  She does not beg for affection, but assesses a person as being worthy of what she has to give.  This attitude is necessary for anyone who does not want their personal boundaries invaded.  It is not bad to ask, "Should I bother?"  Too often one sees this as being selfish.  In fact, there may be good times to distance yourself and take care of your own needs.  Chances are, nobody else cares what they are. 

Part of taking care of your needs is being able to articulate what bothers you.  Many times, women will put up with all kinds of annoyances while hoping their tolerance will be assessed favorably.  One should trust her observations about life and believe that her assessments about others have a high level of accuracy.  If you assess the value of the person you are with, you already know what you want and how you would like to be treated.  On the other hand, if you wait for the approval of another person, you are giving them unnecessary power over you.

Some women spend their lives wanting to be assessed favorably.  They change their mind to suit the needs and opinions of others  In this way, they become slaves to all kinds of preset standards on how to dress and act in the presence of the man they are attracted to.  They allow themselves to be ruled by the whims of this man.  They give him a status that he has not earned.  A woman should ask herself if this man she has assigned undue importance to would let himself be dominated by her whims (if she even has any). 

What many women fail to realize is that if they have a strong sense of who they are, they will naturally attract someone who will treat them well, but if they give the impression of being needy and wanting approval they give a man permission to treat them however he wants.  Perhaps they are lonely and want to be cared for so they decide to dress provocatively to gain attention.  But the ploy backfires because most men will only view you as an object and will not look any further. 

Many emotional needs are best addressed by spending time alone or with platonic friends.  Women especially need to find real friends who they can share their time and interests with.  This is where self-esteem develops because you learn more about yourself and your preferences and where you fit in with other people.  An authentic person always appears attractive to others because she has something to offer that other people don’t and she cannot be quickly exchanged for someone else.  A man who is not threatened by this probably will talk to a woman who has unique qualities and treat her respectfully due to the reasons for his interest.  Chances are, this kind of man will be someone who will appreciate you are a woman he can have worthwhile conversations with since so many other women looking for dates are content just being eye candy.   He will decide to stay with you longer than a guy who, gawking at your cleavage in a bar, buys you a drink in exchange for what he hopes will be a one night stand.

Women are too obsessed with their looks because they want love.  They go through all kinds of painful procedures to win male affection.  Everything is a gamble, but even if the odds aren't good, that's no barrier because you are in the race for love!  At the end of the day, however, your man sees another woman with bigger breasts or some body part that he finds more titillating than yours.  You thought he liked you for who you were.  But that's not true at all.  Many men have not much more than an image of you in their head that is really just some crude representation of who you actually are.  You are all legs or all breasts and incidentally, you like sushi so you have exotic tastes, whatever.  Work to be a real human being, but then, don't try to hard, because you are more than the 'sum of your parts'.    

More about this author: Dymphna Morrissey

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