How to tell if your Psychiatrist is a Quack

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"How to tell if your Psychiatrist is a Quack"
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HUMOR: C'mon. What a question? Ya know ya gotta be nuts to go to a shrink in the first place! However, just in case you find yourself in the care of a competent-looking psychiatrist, just think of how famed Southern scholar Jeff Foxworthy observes how to identify rednecks. Therefore, listen closely. Your shrink may be a quack if:

10. For your first visit, he orders you to take off all your clothes, and then he does, too.

1. After you lie down on his couch, he lies down with you.

6. He has signed photos of Donald, Daisy, Huey, Dewey, Louie and Uncle Scrooge McDuck on his office walls.

8. He speaks with a Viennese accent, but the guy is actually from Brooklyn, NY.

4. His diagnosis is that you must pay him $500 a visit every week until you're cured, or when he can afford a new Lexus; whatever happens first.

5. He says you are schizophrenic, with multiple, split personalities, but warns you not to get any ideas about only paying as just one patient.

2. Throughout your visit, he walks around wearing a funny hat with a sign: I shrink; therefore I'm a yam.

7. While you're deep in conversation with your imaginary playmate, he keeps conferring with his imaginary associate psychiatrist, and he gets very intelligent answers.

3. The diplomas on his walls are from Harvard, Princeton and Notre Dame ... the Harvard Correspondence and Aluminum Siding School, the Princeton Storm Door and Voodoo Medical School and the Notre Dame Edna College of Funny Dress-Up.

9. For your mental illness, he prescribes two aspirins and you should call for a straight jacket in the morning.

More about this author: Ted Sherman

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