Archaeology

Evolution Monkey Apes Science Evolving Dating Natural Selection Darwin Mutation Genes



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In 1859, Charles Darwin published a controversial paper on evolution called The Origin of Species. By evolution, Darwin meant that all plants and animals are by their very nature, mutable, able to undergo small changes in their makeup; and that all existing plants and animals have developed in such a fashion from others that went before them. This adaptation is a result of the need to survive.

So what, you say? Well, this happens to pertain to the human race because we are all part of the animal species, even though many of us may think like plants. Many disregard the evolution process either from religious beliefs or that they can't fathom the thought of once peeling a banana with their toes. (Incidentally, I still do it that way. Call me old fashioned.) Evidence exists that evolution is alive and well in our contemporary society.

When it comes to hair, the evolution process has caused a great sense of confusion. Since the beginning, men have been covered with hair. As time went by, hair has dropped off most body parts on most males, except for a few genetic mishaps, i.e., Robin Williams. Receding hairlines have become prevalent in our society. The evolution purpose of this procedure was to obviously stifle dandruff. Nobody wants to mate with someone plagued with flakes. Women, on the other hand, have gained more hair over the centuries-where they would rather not have it. Evidence of this can be found, say, on your Aunt Lil's upper lip. Why do women get unwanted hair on their legs, cheeks, and armpits? This appears to play a role in decreasing a male sexual drive, thus preventing a population explosion.

During Neanderthal days, a cave man would attract a mate by sneaking up behind an unsuspecting female, grab her by the hair, and drag her into his cave. These days, a male has become a little more tactful. When a man sees a woman he is attracted to he will let out a "whooping" yell as he passes by her in his car. A sure fire means of finding a mate. If she willingly responds, well, this is natural selection at it's best. Tell me we haven't evolved.

The evolution process seems to have malfunctioned when humans lost their tails. It's amazing that we can still function without a tail. Think of the possibilities; You could hold bags of groceries while your small child is wrapped in your tail to keep her from wandering off. You could swing from the chandelier while you're painting the ceiling. How about using your hands to wash the dishes while your tail, holding a towel, does the drying. The possibilities are endless. Perhaps, it's best that we lack the extension. Men would probably brag about the size of their tail, while women would become depressed when their tail started to sag. We must have tripped over it one too many times because for some reason our bodies didn't feel we needed it. (Just think, if I had a tail I could be drinking a beer right now as I type this.)

At one point, we all had gills. It's a good thing we lost them because they would serve no purpose except for maybe extending our bath time. Gills would present a lot of problems. For instance, having to daily scrape the smog and air pollution off of them. Turtlenecks would certainly present a problem. We might have more people trying to drink like fish. Plus, what would we do if someone died-flush 'em down the toilet.

A set of claws might be helpful these days. If you've ever had one of those deep down itches under the skin, you would most likely agree. It would also be helpful to unclog tangled hair from the bathtub drain. Or, uncorking a bottle of fine wine. Maybe, burying a bone, if you're into that sort of thing. How about climbing up a tree to escape the wrath of an angry spouse? (Most men would become quite adept to the vertical scampering especially when they know a set of claws are right behind them.)

Claws would most certainly be handy for picking the nose-although one wrong flinch... Claws could create problems though. For instance, putting on nylons would be delicate work. We're talking run city. And, how would you like to file and paint them every other day? Surly, a French maniclaw wouldn't be cheap. Could you imagine trying to put in your contact lenses-yeah, right. Opening a car door wouldn't be easy either. Once you did, how would you start the damn car? Maybe we don't really need claws. They sound like more trouble than there worth.

It's thought that the next thing to drop off the human body is the baby toe. It really has no purpose but, let's face it, it's the cutest whittle thing. Sure, it would be nice to have one less crevasse to put foot powder in. And, socks would probably slide on easier. But, the short tiny useless stub is really a wonderful conversation piece. Psychics can tell a lot about a person by their baby toe-like they have another one on the other foot. Just ask any reputable toe reader. Hopefully, the little bugger will decide to hang around for couple centuries. It sad to think that someday their won't little to go wheeeeeeeeee... all the way home.

Evolution not only discards the things we don't use but it also provides us with necessary tools to increase our survival rate. This is known as adaptation. Some unique perks our future generations can look forward to; A stomach pouch mothers can keep their infants in and even zipper up for the whinny child. A fax machine possibly located somewhere on our backside. A beeper in our nose with settings of vibrate and sneeze. A cell phone in our foot with call waiting. (Who knows, they might even have an M.C.I. Friends & Family Foot Plan.) Hopefully, evolution will decide to bring back "the tail." That was a bad marketing decision to can that.

One essential part of our anatomy has yet to evolve. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) What's up with the brain? Since the beginning of time all the brain has ever wanted was food and sex. Is that any way to run a body? Is it any wonder we're always tired and run down? We're constantly looking for an order of Big Macs and McNoogie.

The brain has progressed to the point that it now has money on it's mind. That's why it's a penny for your thoughts and you have to put your two cents in for that. We still worry about the same principals; Will we make this month's cave rent? Do the other monkeys really like me? And, where the hell did my tail go? Ever since we've been "human" we've only used ten percent of our brain. Hopefully, the next one percent we gain will be the one percent that tells us how to use the rest of our brain. Think about that, if you can.

We are all constantly evolving-thank God. Would you like to be the same person you were in high school? No way, who wants acne their whole life? Whether we are a fish, a slug, a bird, we are subject to change. It's the human way. Change is inevitable and it usually means renewal; a different way of doing things-and maybe even the right way, for once. So, let's welcome evolution, we're pretty much sick of the way we are anyway.

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