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An Essay on 19th Century Linguistical Inventions

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"An Essay on 19th Century Linguistical Inventions"
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An Essay on 19th century linguistics

Much has been spoken about Thomas Edison's most famous invention. That's the light bulb by the way, silly. However, little has been gossiped about the amazing discovery he made right after the light bulb, arguably much more important than the light bulb. Here is the history of that amazing invention.

So Edison was chilling at his crib a couple of days after the light bulb hit the streets in New York. Needless to say, Edison was the man. He could literally get into any club he wanted, and bang any chick he wanted. Unfortunately for Edison, he was married, to this really annoying girl named Mary. Man, let me tell you, Mary was like the Hitler of wives. Or maybe the O.J of wives. Really bad either way. Can you believe she almost made Edison call the light bulb a Fancy Knickerbocker? Ridiculous. All Edison wanted to do was go out on the weekends and enjoy his new found success, but Mary, man, she had him on a tight leash.

What's even worse was that ironically Edison sowed the seeds of his own destruction with the light bulb. Now that people could have easily lighted houses, Mary always wanted to stay up later and talk with Edison. Edison just wanted to chill with the fellas or enjoy a techno party that his light bulb helped to make possible, but noooo, Mary wanted to talk about pottery, or what Oprah gave away yesterday on her show. Mindlessly boring.

Edison's only way to escape was to pretend to go to his lab, when he actually went to the local bar to pick up chicks. Seriously though, how could "I invented the light bulb" not score him thousands of hot chicks? The problem was though, how do you address your potential hookup, when no one in the history of the world has ever talked to another person in the history of mankind.

Look at it this way. Why does the phrase "Good Night" always mean goodbye and not sometimes hello, like Good Afternoon does? That's because in ancient times, when people met in bars, it would have to be in the day time. Therefore, Good Night could only be used as good bye as people left and went to sleep.

Edison saw this problem and immediately set to work inventing a way around this, cause he sure as wasn't getting any with Mary the prude back at home. Psh, just thinking about Mary gets me mad. Anyway, I digress. Edison spent long nights trying to figure out this conundrum. He got all his inventing buddies together, like Alexander Graham Bell, Isaac Newton, and duh, Socrates. Finally, these geniuses found a solution.

Edison came up with his new revolutionary idea, the phrase "Good Evening." Man, that Edison was crazy smart. Now, any time he went to "work at the lab," he could stroll into the clubs and confidently say Good Evening to any potential hookups with style and finesse. And thus, thanks to Edison, a grand new tradition of random sexual encounters and embarrassing morning afters were created. God Bless Thomas Edison.

More about this author: James Ash

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